


Control

by AHappyPup



Series: Hang in there, Darling [4]
Category: Agent Carter (TV)
Genre: F/F, Podfic Welcome, Self Harm, anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-13 01:36:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5689543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AHappyPup/pseuds/AHappyPup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angie can't breathe. She needs to breathe. Maybe if she breathes her heart will stop pounding.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Control

**Author's Note:**

> So it's been about two months since I've posted anything. And the main reason for that is due to my anxiety and depression getting worse and making it hard for me to write. I wrote this addition to the series to help both myself and fellow readers who experience anxiety. This fic does involve a character harming themselves however. If that is something that triggers you , please care for yourself and don't read this. Have a great day!

Angie can't breathe. She knows her lungs work properly. After all, she was breathing fine a few minutes ago as she laid in bed, just on the the brink of sleep. But now it's hard. She knows she should tell herself to breathe. It shouldn't be that hard. But it is. Her brain is spinning and she can't get it to stop.

She can't identify what's wrong. It feels like a large block on her brain that she can't remove. The block is loud and big and bursting with color. Nothing makes sense. She was only lying here waiting for Peggy to come to bed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. Nothing that should make her feel like this. Then again, these feelings never seemed to have much rhyme or reason to Angie.

She needs to breathe. Maybe if she breathes her heart will stop pounding. And maybe she’ll be back to herself by the time Peggy comes to bed.

Peggy.

Peggy would be worried. Peggy has enough to worry about without Angie. She refuses to let her anxieties become something else for Peggy to worry about. Angie’s a big girl. She can deal with this by herself.

Angie's finally able to take a deep breath. But with the deep inhalation, tears creep out from her eye. She feels stupid. There's nothing wrong. She is fine. She needs to stop crying.

Stop crying.

_Stop_ crying.

_Stop crying_.

Her brain feels like it's spinning even faster now. She keeps telling herself to stop crying, but her eyes won't listen. She tells herself to calm down, but her body won't listen.

She deserves to feel like this.

She is an awful person who deserves pain.

No.

No. No. No.

No one deserves this. At least that's what Angie tries to tell herself. But her brain doesn't listen.

She needs to hurt more. Maybe if she does, she can have control again. Like before.

She doesn't have her brother’s razor anymore, and while she's sure Howard has left a razor somewhere in the mansion, Angie isn't sure she could get to it with Peggy finding her. But then she remembers.

There's a book of matches in their nightstand.

Angie reaches out slowly, as though it is taking all her energy to reach her hand into the drawer. and grabs the tiny book. For a long moment she stares at her skin. Her old scars have faded. She knows that she shouldn't do this, that hurting herself never takes away the pain. But she doesn't stop. She strikes the match with surprising ease, her hand trembling as the flame comes close to her skin.

Closer.

Closer.

The fire stings as it makes contact. Angie doesn't feel in control. She brings the flame even closer to her arm. More tears trickle out as her skin singes. She's almost there. Her brain is focusing. She’ll be in control-

“Angie, darling, what are you doing?”

Peggy’s voice is panicked. Angie herself panics. She extinguishes the fire with her fingers, feeling the last bit of pain. She can't speak or explain herself. She only cries as Peggy holds her close.

“Angie, darling, can you breathe for me?”

She can't. She's embarrassed. She's hurting. She is so so so stupid. Why did she think this was a good idea?

Peggy pulls Angie close to her chest. “Do you hear that?” Angie nods slightly. “That means you’re safe. I won't let anything happen to you. I've got you.”

Angie sobs in Peggy’s arms. How could she be so stupid? Why did she do this to herself? Why can't she have control?

Peggy runs her fingers lightly over her burn. “You don't have to talk about it right now if you don't want to, but we do need to take care of this, alright?” Angie nods slowly, letting go of Peggy. “Good girl. I’ll be back in a moment.”

Angie curls into herself the second Peggy is gone. She can't believe herself. She hates herself. Why couldn't she deal with this on her own like before? Why is she awful? Her brain is starting to speed up again. It needs to stop. It needs to stop. It needs to-

Peggy’s got her arms wrapped around her again. “Shh. I'm here. I'm here.” She presses a firm kiss on Angie’s head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

It takes a while for Angie to calm down long enough for Peggy to gently wrap a bandage around her arm and even longer to settle Angie in bed. Eventually, they're both lying down, Peggy curling around Angie.

“I'm sorry.” And she is. She swore she wouldn't worry Peggy, but here they are.

“Don't be sorry, darling. I love you, and this is what you do for those you love.”

Angie feels her breath hitching, and she's sobbing again.

“I love you so so much. And I will do anything possible to help you. You deserve that much and more. You don't deserve to feel like this.”

It's hard for her to speak, but she manages to turn and kiss Peggy. At last she whispers, “Thank you.”

Peggy turns to rubbing soft circles into her back. Her brain is slowing down at last. It won't last forever, she knows, but this is good.  
  
And at last, Angie rests.


End file.
